you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
