but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
