Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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