just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
