So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
