Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
