I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize