I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
