We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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