Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
