OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
