She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
