i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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