in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
