I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
