Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize