Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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