the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
