Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
