I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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