he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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