I feel like I'm in dance class right now
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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