Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
