John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
