Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize