My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
