Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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