She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
