I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
