plz talk dirty to me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
