I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
