Christians are straight up FREAKS
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
either way he was missing a nipple.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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