How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My hand turned me down
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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