You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
