How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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