someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
