I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
