i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
