My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
