Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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