remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
