I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
