FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
