life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
