I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
