Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she woke up with a sticky ear
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
