I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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