Operation Purity has been aborted
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
