i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
