Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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