I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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