I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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