whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
