Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
