If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
