I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
