My girlfriend figured out who you are.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
