How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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