Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
