Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
