you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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